Rosalind Wiseman stepped on a media land mine when an article about her work with cliques was featured in the New York Times Magazine. Entitled “Mean Girls and the New Movement to Tame Them,” it discussed Wiseman’s work with the Empower Program, where she taught junior high girls about nasty social behaviors and how to stop them. “It was an extraordinary, mind-blowing experience,” Wiseman says of the media fallout that followed the article. “I got responses from all over world—from England, Ireland, Australia, multiple requests from movie companies, and the Times got hundreds of letters. The emotional response has been unbelievable—we’re finally acknowledging what we do to each other.” Her book on the topic, Queen Bees and Wannabes, is a seminal work in the field of girl bullying. We had a chance to hear from Rosalind Wiseman on cliques. Cliques No Worse Than Ever “We like to think that girls’ cliques are worse today than they used to be, but I know that’s not true.
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While writing the book I was struck by how universal an experience this seems to be, but it’s a universal experience that no one talked about. I had 60- and 30-year-old women follow me around at parties to tell me about clique incidents as if they had just happened yesterday—all the girls’ names are still right there. They told me about situations identical to the ones I’m working with right now. So yes, I think this kind of behavior has always been around. It may start a little younger than it used to.
Girls are sexualized at a younger age and will deal with these friendship issues at a younger age too. I see 8-year-old girls, even 4-year-old girls, anointing certain friends and excluding others. “There are always going to be Queen Bees, even in the poorest schools. But typically the wealthier a community is, the more of a problem this is. “One thing that is worse today is the way parents behave. I think that today’s parents are either micromanaging their kids’ lives or they are totally out of the picture, which is equally problematic. Kids in these cases will do anything to create space or get the appropriate attention.
“But I fundamentally disagree with some critics, who say worrying about clique behavior represents micromanaging kids’ social lives. Instead, every time you deal with one of these friendship issues it’s a teaching moment about ethics. It’s at these moments that your kids realize what you stand for.” How to Handle It “The whole issue of mean girls touches a nerve with parents, especially with mothers. Women are in such turmoil about how to raise assertive, strong women. Yet in our efforts to raise girls with high self-esteem, we sometimes lose sight of the importance of kindness. In schools I’ve worked in, I’ve seen girls with very high self-esteem who are really, really nasty. “As a parent, one of the hardest things to do is to decide how to handle these situations.
It’s a rite of passage for kids and parents. Should you wade in, do nothing, or stand there and cheerlead behind her but let her fight for herself? “I think that unless a child is in a very serious situation, you should encourage her to stand up for herself, with her skills in place. Dhoom 3 malang video songs hd 1080p free download. By that I mean that parents should affirm their daughter and her courage, and then help her think through how to deal with the situation. Have her write it down, and decide what the most important issue is. The best strategy is usually for a girl to get the bully away from the other girls, describe to her what’s happening, what she needs to happen differently, and have the bully affirm her.
“In other words, parents should be their daughter’s cheerleader, but not take care of her business. If she can face this, she can face anything. Dealing with a girl bully will give her practice for someday having to deal with an inappropriate boss.” Setting the Stage for Talk “To let her know it’s okay to tell you about clique problems, say something like, ‘Hey look, lots of times it’s normal to have problems with friendships.
If you ever have a problem with that, I’ll help you or we can get you an ally, like an aunt or an older friend, to help you.’ Then you run away. Plant the seed and run away. “Another thing girls are going to encounter at adolescence is what I call the “fruit cup girl,” named after a girl who once pretended—in order to impress a boy—to be incapable of opening her fruit cup.
We’re always going to have to educate girls about this kind of thing. You can’t stop your daughter from having those experiences, but you can give her a head’s up before it slams her in the face. You could say something like this: ‘You might see girls act silly and not as smart when around boys, and it might make you feel bad. When that happens, come to me and we’ll talk about it. Think about why the girl is doing it and how you feel.’ Check in with her regularly.
“When do kids tell me they will reach out to their parents? The number one time is in the car while the parent is driving.
Girls also tell me that if they try to get alone with their mom, it’s usually because they need to talk. Even if they say it isn’t a big deal, it is. They need at that moment to check in with her. “One final point about talking with girls. Sometimes parents ask questions that are actually springboards to asserting what they think or feel. They say, ‘How’s it going with Amy?’ because they want to say they don’t like her. In cases like these, your daughter will shut down.
Keep in mind that talking with her is not an opportunity to force-feed her your opinions.” Holding Her Accountable “Unfortunately, it’s really the exceptional parent who holds his or her child responsible for bad clique behavior. Recently I heard of a woman who found out that her daughter was behind all the nastiness going on in the girl’s fifth grade class—the girl was totally the Queen Bee—and this mom believed the principal even though she was shocked. She talked to her kid and withdrew her privileges, which mostly meant taking away her means of communication–instant messaging and e-mail. And that really hurts a girl that age. But sadly, I’ve found that it’s rare for most parents to hold their kids accountable for these unacceptable behaviors. “The hardest work for me is dealing with a Queen Bee girl and a Queen Bee mom. Then I’ve got two people who don’t like me.
Those operating from a position of privilege don’t like to be told they should change, nor do they believe there really is a problem. It’s the kids on the outside who know the most about a school’s social hierarchy. “Over and over again I have been struck by parents’ inability or unwillingness to apologize to other parents for their kids’ behavior. It really hurts parents’ relationships with each other at the worst possible time. Kids may start lying to you when they’re teens, and if those parent friendships dry up, you’ll be cut off from knowing what’s going on, making it harder for you to keep your own girl safe. “The bottom line? Affirm her and hold her accountable.
That’s my best advice to parents. You don’t always have to like your kids, you have to parent them. If you find yourself asking, Who is this child?
Don’t feel guilty. If your girl does something mean, she’s not necessarily a mean person and you’re not a bad parent. Queen Bees Don’t Have It Made “One thing to remind your daughter is that lots of girls in the Alpha group don’t want to be there; it’s very confining. Most people look at the “it girl” and think she’s got it all. I look at her as being stuck in solitary confinement, so tied to stereotypical femininity that she has no choices in life.
“What’s especially sad is that those girls in the Alpha clique are so vulnerable to early sex, drinking, drugs, and even abuse. That’s because they need to keep the Alpha boy for status, even if he’s abusive. Often these girls know their lives are a house of cards, which makes them anxious, and so they self-medicate. “Girls who are on the outside of the box are much more likely to be successful and authentic. They are not frauds, not always pleasing others.
Remind your girl that there are true costs to being popular.” When All Else Fails “Outside activities, such as theater or sports, can be an excellent way to help girls remember that there’s life outside junior high or high school. On the other hand, some of the worst cliques I’ve seen have been in regional soccer teams—the girls and parents both. In fact, any time you have parents inappropriately involved in kids’ social status, bad stuff happens. “Changing schools should be the last resort. You want your daughter to know that she can figure this out, and that you’re not fighting her battles for her. But if the school turns a blind eye, or even seems to be helping create a bad social environment, you may have to pull her out of school. “If she’s unable to get her work done, if she’s so distracted she can’t focus—or if your gut tells you she’s really in trouble, trust it, and intercede.
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“The bottom line is to remember that parents do matter. You might feel rejected over the next few years, but you are essential to your daughter navigating adolescence safely.” Resources Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons.
Email Teen and parent expert Rosalind Wiseman, author or 'Queen Bees and Wannabees,' answers your difficult questions about the challenges of being bullied: Q. What are the signs your child is being bullied? There are several behavior signs you can look for that might indicate your child is being bullied. Gives Excuses for Avoiding School: Your child starts asking to stay home because of varied physical reasons, stomach aches, headaches, etc.
They would prefer to be isolated than in social situations. Change of Appetite: You notice a change in your child's appetite — and it can be more or less. Some kids eat their feelings and start overeating. So don't ignore a big appetite any more than a child who suddenly is 'not hungry'.
Drastic Change of Social Life: You see a change in your child's friends, going from a few friends to none. In some cases, they even avoid their old friends. What should parents of bully victims do? There are several things parents can do. Don't say 'just ignore it' or 'just show them what a good friend looks like,' because if often comes across as a sign of weakness to the bullies. Instead, if your child tells you they are being bullied you say, 'I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you for telling me and together you and I are going to figure out what you can do.' Help your child articulate their feelings: Ask your child to take their bad feelings and put them to words. Have them describe exactly what the bully is doing that they don't like and what they want changed. Remind your child that they have the right to be in the school (or anywhere) without having people treat them like dirt.
If your child hasn't talked you and you're worried. Talk to them one on one and say, 'I'm not sure if this will ever happen to you but it's common for people bully to each other. It's common for people to use the internet and cell phones to humiliate other people.
If that happens to you, you can always come to me and we can talk about what to do about it. And you aren't weak if you ask for help. Problems like this can be too big for one person to handle all by themselves.' If your child is uncomfortable talking to you, you can even suggest that the two of you decide together on another adult who the child feels comfortable confiding in to get the support and advice they need. Let them know that their conversations can be confidential unless there's any danger to their personal safety.
Strategize a safe approach of the bully: You have to give the bully one shot to understand your child's feelings. For two reasons.
First, you have to give them the opportunity to stop on their own. And second, you have to, to the best of your ability, stand up for yourself. This is really important. The child has to feel empowered to stand up for themselves.
So, together, you can prepare what your child wants to say, what they don't like about what the bully is doing and what they want them to do differently. Then strategize about when and where to approach this child. If your child feels physically safe, they should try to do it in private - not in front of others because bullies are emboldened by crowds and feel the need to defend their image. If they are seen listening to you, then they look weak. I use an acronym to teach how to handle these situations and communicate when you are angry: SEAL Stop: Breathe, observe, and decide if it's best to confront the person now or later. Explain: Take your bad feelings and put them into words, specifically what you don't like and what you want instead.
Affirm and acknowledge: your right (and the other person's right) to interact with people without being ridiculed, dismissed, or targeted for further degradation. If appropriate, acknowledge your part in contributing to the conflict. Lock in the friendship, lock it out, or take a vacation (this should be used as a last resort when you have a pattern in the relationship where the person isn't respecting your request(s).) Using this strategy is not a guarantee that the person will change his/her behavior. Instead, your first goal is to take the bad, nervous feelings you have and put them into words-first for yourself so that you can then tell others. Second, think about when and where you can talk to the person so you have the best chance of them listening to you. Third, specifically state what you don't like and what you want instead.
Fourth, affirm your (and the other person's) rights and acknowledge anything you need to do better. You have been successful if you are able to do any of these steps - so don't think you are a failure if any of the steps outlined above do not go exactly as you wanted. What SEAL looks like in a situation: 'Sara' is angry at three girls who are excluding and mean to her. She prepares by writing down why she is angry and who she wants to talk to. She could easily need and want to talk to all three but it's usually better to confront someone individually. This time she chooses Ilana, the Queen Bee. Sara knows that Ilana has 5th period free and hangs out in the library's computer center so she plans to talk to her there.
Sara: Hey Ilana, can I talk to you for a minute? Ilana: Well, I am sort of busy right now and why would I want to talk to you? Sara: Look, I know that you don't want to be friends but telling me to leave you alone and get my own friends was mean. Sometimes I feel like you want to be friends and then the next minute you can't stand me. I am asking that you stop treating me so hot and cold.
Ilana: Well, there was absolutely no reason to go crying to your mom about that sleepover. Now I am in trouble-which is completely stupid.
Sara: Well I am not going to apologize for talking to my mom when I am upset. Listen, we don't have to be friends but I do have the right for you to tell me to back off in a way that doesn't make me feel like dirt. Ilana: Whatever, I think you are making way to big a deal over this.Please note that Ilana and Sara are not best friends after this conversation nor has Sara verbally destroyed Ilana.
The goal of SEAL is to strategize how to confront someone successfully and then articulate your position. If necessary, approach the school together: If the bullying behavior gets worse or doesn't stop, then strategize with your child about who in the school can be your advocate, a teacher, coach, counselor, etc. Go to them, articulating exactly what is happening, what you want stopped and what you want to happen instead. Make sure your child advocates for themselves. They should know that you — their parent — has their back, but let them do the talking. It is important that they speak for themselves as much as possible.
If nothing is working and there is no change, then go to the person at your school who is in charge if discipline - usually a vice principal or principal. Can you ever approach other parents? You can approach other parents but you have to be smart about it. You call them and say, is now a good time to talk? If it's not, make a time to call again. But if it is, say 'Thanks so much for taking my call.' Identify yourself as your child's mother.
You have to express how hard a call this is to make and describe what is happening to your child. Say exactly what your child said. Don't beat around the bush. Ask the other parent for their help to make sure this stops. If they say it's just kids being kids, you say, 'Just because it's common doesn't make it right.
I'm really asking for you to help me.' It's important that you keep your cool when you call. Stress that you know these things can go both ways and mention your availability should anything happen in the reverse. When it comes to reporting bullying to authorities, a lot of kids are afraid because they don't want to make the situation worse. What do you tell them? Many parents and kids are reluctant to report beaus they will make the problem worse.
Here is way to understand the difference between Reporting Vs. Snitching is giving information with the intention of getting the other person in trouble. Reporting has the best interests of others in mind and involves telling a trusted adult so they can help solve a problem that is bigger than you. It's goal is to right a wrong.
A person reports a problem with the intention of making the problem go away while a person snitches with the intention of making the problem bigger or more public. Here's a sample example of how you child can handle being confronted by a bully or other kids after your child has reported a problem: 'I can't believe you got them/me in trouble' Stop: Breath deeply and remember why you told. Explain: I reported that(Keep it general and brief.
You don't owe them details). Request: If you disagree with me, I totally understand that. I'm asking you that you not talk to other people in a way that makes fun of me. I know I can't control that but I am asking you not to. Affirm: They didn't get in trouble because I reported it. They got in trouble because they did it. I have the right to be at this school and report something that I think is dangerous or could get me in trouble.
Rosalind Wisseman is the founder of the Empower Program, a national violence-prevention program. She is also the author of 'Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence,' published by Crown in May 2002, and was the basis for the 2004 hit movie, 'Mean Girls.' For more parenting tips, visit.
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